Waiting

Sri Vivekanand taught me to look at the things around me as mere images. The world is an illusion, he said, and so our fear and doubt are illusions also. One has to detach oneself from these illusions in order to become free. He taught me how to view the frightening and powerful images of my foreboding almost like how a filmographer would watch a movie: with an understanding and empathy for it's contents without becoming lost in them. There is a process here that I can't quite understand or grasp, but it has helped me to stop letting my forebodes drive me nearly insane with their potency. It is very difficult. It is like drowning and remembering to deploy your life jacket, if deploying your life jacket involved a long, precise and steady process that when interrupted involved starting from the beginning. But it is worth it. Because you don't drown and then you can save the other people floundering in the water.

I only hope I can teach Kate how to use her own life jacket. It is going to be hard. There are so many layers to the hurt that she has suffered. The overdose is only the physical part and that in itself, from what I've witnessed, is going to be like a living purgatory. But then there are the emotional strains. I've never quite figured out what Kate and Kyle's relationship or relationships have been. I'm much too polite to ask. But it is clear they care a great deal about each other. And, looking back, I think the tether I witnessed from her when I was training had to do with her fighting with Kyle about his pigment use. And now she has suffered for his addiction. There's a part of me that sympathizes with what he must be going through right now. There's another part of me that wants to punch him in the face, but I've mostly calmed down from that more primal reaction. That being said, I have no idea how Kate is going to react. I have no idea how she is going to react to any of this. I have no idea how she is going to react to me being here. But there is one thing I do know: however she reacts, whatever she is going through, I am not going to let her go through it alone. I may have been thoroughly plastered when I said it, but i told her i meant to make her last days here count. I am not going to let her waste the rest of her possibly short life in the hospital or having a breakdown or dealing with emotional crap. She is going to work, and have fun and have a life. Even if I have to move the seven levels of Hell to do it.