Ow.

I tried to punch the competition today.


Ow.

That was dumb.

Interpersonal Relationships.

Everyone in this company is so damaged. I mean I'm one to talk but still. You have Elena who has the self esteem of a scared mouse, despite the fact that she is literally a computer genius; you have Murphy who puts on this mask of asshole to cover up the fact that he is complete emotionally destroyed which is covering up the fact that he is in fact exceptionally strong-willed (I know, three layers. Like a cake. Or a really small onion like a shallot); You have Rizotto who uses anger to cover up confusion; you have Westing who uses drugs to.... no he just uses drugs and then you have Kate who runs herself into the ground trying to take care of everyone's crazy without realizing that that is her crazy.

I mean really.

Personally, I think Murphy is the most fucked up but I'm suspecting he has some real damage there that may hopefully one day be healed. I just worry about how he might be pushing his issues on Faith, or at least using Faith to work out his own issues and I worry for how that will effect both of them if it goes wrong. Then again it might go right and then they will both be better for it. We'll see.

Kate.... Kate needs a vacation. And someone to talk to, but she won't talk to me because she knows how it effects me and doesn't want to put me through that. I know how she feels. We've started a pretty good game of Go though. I suspect she will kick my ass.

At least with Elena I can have some sort of effect. All she needs is some encouragement and recognition I think. Or at least that's as good a start as any.

Don't even get me started on Rizotto. I don't even want to open that can of worms. I have a feeling the can is bigger then I can handle.

Meanwhile, I have these stupid images eating away at my brain. I need to learn to meditate better. Fast.

Blue Elephant.

Don't think of the blue elephant.

How do you not think about the blue elephant?

Mediating helps, mostly, but I can't meditate all fucking day.

It's not fading away. I never realized before what a defense mechanism poor memory is. I would give anything to misremember this, to have it be unclear or fuzzy. I don't want to remember in clear detail the feel of the shadow looming over me, the look of fear on Elena's face, the dust clinging to the street sign, the determination in Blink's eyes. I don't want to remember the look of the blood on Lucy's stomach, the hint of ghostly intestines peeking through her pale image. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.

Leave me alone.

I'm so tired.

So god-damn tired.

I want to sleep, but whenever I do I remember it. I remember the specter, and worse, I remember the feeling of the specter. The wrongness, the howling horror of it, the terrifying twisted humanity. I could be that one day. We could all be that one day. How could we be that one day?

Oh God.

I want it to stop. I want it to go away. But it never will. Never.

Don't think of the blue elephant.

You can't, can you?